Simply Busy

about The Bell Jar, half of which are Bullshit!! But who cares! i finished it! Now time for Norris’s 5 page paper about Cambodia…maybe? and then some calculus! Yay for all nighters!!! I will get all of my stuff done, and i WILL require lots of coffee tomorrow, Good luck to me…and Good luck to everyone else who has homework that they are staying up to finish

but i still want to do it! This will be my goal for December and i won’t start until December 1st, and i will complete it! (hopefully my followers will make sure i do this!)

26 Things is a photographic scavenger hunt – for 2010, go out and take 1 photo to represent each item on the list of 26 Things.

The list for 2010 is
1. Tall
2. Amazing
3. Round
4. Hidden
5. Green
6. An animal
7. Dirty
8. Early
9. Weather
10. An arrow
11. Curve
12. Tomorrow
13. Inside
14. A ceiling
15. Watch out
16. Key
17. Reflection
18. Track
19. Framed
20. Busy
21. Strange
22. Upside down
23. Spots
24. Shoes
25. Weathered
26. Sunday morning

I see this picture and thought race to my head. I lead people to believe that everything is alright in my life. I put on this happy show and people believe me. I use silence to get by. If i don’t say anything then no one knows. When i am down, i just say i am tired and everyone believes me as well. The truth is most people don’t really care how you are. Most people are okay with hearing the answer “i’m fine” or “i’m tired.”  I recently opened up and actually told someone what is happening in my life. She listened and she may not know, but she really helped me that day. Most people are not like her, they don’t really care to hear the answer to “what is wrong?” She did, and i feel better every time i talk to her. 

The reason why this picture made my mind race was because of the fact that i am not talking to my dad. I have not been talking to him since the 10th of this month. Thanksgiving is coming up and my family is coming to my house. I suppose i should talk to him, but i can’t. He will then just do what he always does, leave. then he will come back and try to act like it is all fine. I could talk to him, but i don’t want to.Last week he told me that i have to start talking to him soon. It made me so upset! No, i do not have to speak to you! no i do not have to ever talk to you! no no no! Just no! He doesn’t see that he did anything wrong at all! And that is what upsets me the most. He will just leave when my mom and him are in a fight about his lies or his drinking. Then he won’t talk to me for DAYS. Then when my mom and him are good again, he comes back and expects everything to be fine. Which it is not! This happened on the 10th he left and then that weekend he came back home and everything was “fine” but not for me. I seriously didn’t even want to talk to my mom. But i did, i should be mad at her as well. She lies to me all the time. “This time i will do something Fiona, you just watch.” or ” I am going to get a divorce.” “why don’t you ever believe me Fiona?” and oh look they are back together again. That is why i never believe you mom. You have not given me any reason to have faith in you. You have constantly let me down.

Thinking about this and my family gives me constant headaches and makes me want to cry. Especially my dad. 

He has missed so many various holidays, or birthdays due to being drunk, or my parents fighting and him being gone. He missed my 8th grade promotion. I constantly worry about what he will miss next. I think that something will happen this week and my parents will fight, but my mom does not want her siblings to know so they will act all happy during the dinner. I always think that he is going to miss my graduation. The happiest night of my life, and it won’t be. Something will happen and my parents will fight. and my dad will leave. and he won’t be at my graduation. I can feel this in my gut.

I hate this constant feeling of needing/wanting to cry. i hate some of my friends choices. i hate how i have grown apart from some of my closest friends. I hate how involved in everything i am. I hate that i am talking to my mom. and I hate that my dad feels like he has done nothing wrong.

This made me happy :)

peed-on-the-corpse:

Someone you don’t know requests to be your friend on Facebook:

Someone you don’t know follows you on Tumblr:

Facebook notification:

Tumblr notification:

Someone writes on your Facebook wall:

Someone writes in your Tumblr ask box:

Lose a friend on Facebook:

Lose a follower on Tumblr:

Error on Facebook:

Error on Tumblr:

“Are you alright?” “Fiona, are you okay?” “What’s wrong?” “Are you going to be ok?” “You look awful, go home and sleep” These are among the things people keep asking/telling me and they have for over a week. Friends, teachers, and acquaintances! Do you really think I am going to tell you what’s wrong? No I am going to lie and say “no I’m fine, I haven’t been sleeping” or “I’m stressed.” I yell everyone the most overused lie, “I’m just tired” and they all believe me. Sure teachers and acquaintances would believe me, and maybe even some friends. But even my close friends and my best friend believe me. I wish people would stop asking me if I’m ok! I am obviously not! And it just reminds me of all the crap in my life. Recently, there are actually only like 5 people who I want to hang out with. I love my friends! But I am not myself lately and that is why I really don’t want to do much. I hope the people know who they are. I would like to name one specifically and that is Sevita.

So my sister was arguing with me, as usual, and she went into something about how people talk about me behind my back and tons of kids don’t like me. I simply responded I don’t give a Fuck what people say, I know who my friends are and they are real. I try to disasociate myself from fake people like you. I am friends with many straightforward people and I think I get along with them so well because they say what they mean and don’t sugar coat it. They take care of me when I am sad or hurt or whatever. They accept me for me. I am tired of talking to fake people who are nice to me one minute and then talk about me behind my back. I want people who are real with me. I seriously could give a fuck if you like me or not!

Why is it that I feel like crying every couple hours?..i think about one of the problems in my life and I feel as if im about to cry! I hate crying in front of most people, but there are a couple people that I don’t care if I cry in front of. I want to be able to cry without someone asking what’s wrong or saying that it will be alright, I want them to just hug me and let me cry Why is it that I have felt so blah lately? I have fun hanging with someone and then my emotions go down again. And then I get ridiculously annoying headaches that won’t go away for hours Why is is that I don’t even want to hang with most people anymore? I want to do something but i don’t :/ I feel myself hating people more and more and i feel like I don’t really have one friend that I tell everything to. I kept everything bottled up until I found tumblr. Tumblr has allowed me to express myself without everyone commenting and saying dumb stuff. Tumblr is my escape. I write in here when something irks me and it helps

has been hell! Family problems, not understanding math, constant on and off headaches, no sleep, stupid Norris’s play, robotics, all my other classes:/ I want to escape all of it! A week vacation where I can go somewhere away and I can sleep in and not have to worry about school at all! And I don’t have to deal with my parents! My mom continually tells me that she doesn’t want to divorce my dad because she is worried that there will be no money for me to go college…I tell her that I would survive. I can work and get scholarships(which is my plan already) but she stays with him because that is the “better option.” Yes, I enjoy that my parents have money….but I would trade that all for a functioning family.

And I’m still awake. I promised myself that I would go to bed early.

My parents are fighting…again I’m sick of this and them! my mom and I go to a musical and when we come home my dad is gone…he’s probably at a hotel somewhere drunk… This is what I call family:/ this is nothing new and has happened multiple times My friend from work (he’s like a second dad to me) gave a picture to my dad to give to me today and I didn’t get it…he called asking if I got it but I wasn’t home yet so I didn’t know so that’s what I told him….he is probably waiting for me to text him about the picture and I don’t know when I will be able to… I don’t know what he knows about my family so I cant be like my dad left because my dad will be at the office tomorrow I hate this situation I’m in. I hate that people think my life is great. I hate that I hide my feelings and bury them. I hate this thing I have come to know as my family.

I rant to everyone I know, and I don’t know why, you don’t need to know everything about me and you probably don’t care about me anyways. I’ve decided to atop ranting to everyone aloud and just rant in posts. Maybe people will like me more?